"Bogeymen": Ten 'Bang Average' Premier League Players Who Loved Playing Against Newcastle

We’ve all been there. Gearing up for a straightforward match against some absolute dossers… only to lose one-nil. The goalscorer? That fellow who looks way out of his depth and hasn’t scored all season, of course!

Even in the Football Manager gaming series, you just knew if your team was up against a striker who hadn't scored in 16 hours of football... he was ending the goal drought against your boys. And here at Newcastle, that's a familiar feeling of deja vu. In fact, we just might be the poster-boys of letting any old donkey score his only two goals of the season against us.

But I suppose fans of every club feel that way, don’t they?

However, being the masochist I am, I wanted to take a deep dive throughout Newcastle’s recent history, and look at the worst players who always seemed to have a good day against us. Bogeymen, if you will…

Now, I’m not saying all of this lot were terrible players, but they certainly weren’t great goalscorers. It would be a dull read if my top three were Wayne Rooney, Harry Kane and Sergio Aguero; who all seemed to particularly love scoring against us (Aguero even got five in one match). They are all great players and great goalscorers, and “Wayne Rooney scored lots of goals against Newcastle” isn’t really a crazy headline is it?

Anyway, here are my top ten picks; read on if you dare… some of these are downright shameful.

*Stats are from the official Premier League database and statmuse, and are correct as of August 21st, 2024.

Kicking things off; a Ghost of Christmas Past on a sobering Boxing Day clash

10. Chris Wood - (West Brom, Leicester City, Burnley, Newcastle, Nottingham Forest)

Premier League record: 228 games, 70 goals, 8 assists

Premier League record against Newcastle: 8 games, 4 goals, 1 assist

Up first, a player who averages less than a goal every three games in the Premier League… but a strike rate of one in two against Newcastle; Chris Wood obviously bulldozed his way into this list thanks to his hat-trick on Boxing Day last year at St James’ Park. From Titus Bramble to Lomana Lualua, there have been many ‘average’ former players who have come back to haunt Newcastle (Lualua was actually still registered as our player when he scored against us) but Wood takes the biscuit.

Managing just four goals in 35 Premier League games for the Magpies; Wood nearly equalled that tally against us in just 90 bizarre minutes of football. There were some good goals among them as well; including sitting Dubravka down on his bottom like a schoolboy.

Chris Wood did a job in steering us towards safety in Eddie Howe’s early days; serving as the unglamorous targetman while Messrs Trippier, Saint-Maximin, Guimaraes and Joelinton grabbed the headlines around him, so I don’t lambast him in the same way some fans do.

But prime Wayne Rooney, he is not - we shouldn’t be letting the big Kiwi embarrass us on home soil like that. Especially because when SJP was his home soil, he managed just one goal there... a penalty.

Keeping with the theme of unwanted SJP hat-tricks...

9. Somen Tchoyi - (West Bromwich Albion)

Premier League record: 41 games, 7 goals, 1 assist

Premier League record against Newcastle: 2 games, 4 goals

Who? You might ask… the fact this player is only in 9th place despite having the most prolific goalscoring record against us in this list probably tells you something about the context of his goals.

Somen Tchoyi’s Premier League career lasted just two seasons, and his magnum opus actually came in a season-closing ‘dead rubber’ match against Newcastle with almost nothing to play for.

I say almost nothing, because Newcastle actually plummeted several places in the league in the space of half an hour; three-nil up after 47 minutes v West Brom and apparently cruising their way to 9th place in the league… only for Tchoyi to score a 30-minute hat-trick which meant Newcastle dropped two points (and three places) to 12th.

The three teams that overtook us? Aston Villa (still relatively fresh from their ‘Sob On the Tyne’ antics… Tchoyi’s West Brom side… and the mackems.

Still, the one upside is that Mike Ashley probably missed out on a few extra million in his pocket from sinking three places in 30 minutes. Every silver lining, eh?

Next up, a pantomime villain who loves having the last laugh...

8. Kai Havertz - (Chelsea, Arsenal)

Premier League record: 129 games, 33 goals, 15 assists

Premier League record against Newcastle: 6 games, 2 goals, 1 assist

Is Havertz a ‘bang average’ player? He certainly hasn’t justified Arsenal and Chelsea paying a combined £135 million pounds in transfer fees for him if you go by his Premier League record. His PL goal tally stands at barely 1 in 4... but his goal contribution stats against Newcastle are somewhat better...

But what really boils my blood about Havertz is his ability to avoid red cards against Newcastle despite repeat offences of obvious thuggery.

There was the scything challenge on Sean Longstaff in the middle of the pitch that ended up getting three Newcastle players booked. And there was the blatant elbow into Dan Burn that went unpunished, allowing Havertz to stay on the pitch and uncharacteristically turn into Dennis Bergkamp to score a goal of the season contender against us late, late on. We lost 1-0.

Shouldn’t have even been on the pitch. Should definitely be in this list, though.

7. Emile Mpenza - (Manchester City)

Premier League record: 25 games, 5 goals, 1 assist

Premier League record against Newcastle: 2 games, 2 goals

Another obscure name that may be lost on some fans; the worst part about this entry was that Emile Mpenza featured for Manchester City in the pre-Abu Dhabi days of bottomless riches. And yet, Manchester City still seemed to have Newcastle’s number even then… when journeymen like Emile Mpenza could enjoy a 100% strike rate against us.

Two games… two winning goals…

And when I say journeyman… I mean it. Mpenza played for eleven clubs on a permanent basis across a bang average career; including titanic names such as Neftchi Baku, Al-Rayyan and Plymouth Argyle.

Suddenly, conceding five against Sergio Aguero seems like the least of our worries against the Cityzens…

Now for a familiar face who we actually adored in Black and White... just not the Blue and White of Wigan...

6. Ryan Taylor - (Wigan Athletic, Newcastle United)

Premier League record: 118 games, 8 goals, 11 assists, 16 clean sheets

Premier League record against Newcastle: 5 games, 4 goals, 1 clean sheet

The inspiration for this list in the first place. Ryan Taylor, a deadball specialist and versatile defender for lowly Wigan Athletic, had such an uncanny scoring record against Newcastle United, it was joked that we signed him just so he couldn’t score against us anymore.

Thankfully, he never scored an own goal in Newcastle colours; but the damage he did in the blue and white of Wigan was simply astounding; 30-yard volleys, match-winning free kicks, it was almost as if he saved his absolute best for Newcastle like some bitter mackem vendetta.

Four goals in five games would be a strike rate that most strikers would be delighted with. For a defender, such consistent quality goalscoring prowess was simply ridiculous.

Thankfully, he did reserve a couple of belters for us; his free kick ‘over the wall’ sealed a famous derby victory at the Stadium of Light in 2011; while his stupendous outside-of-the-boot half-volley against Everton also lives long in the memory.

Dominics at the Double...

5. Dominic Solanke - (Liverpool, Bournemouth, Tottenham)

Premier League record: 135 games, 29 goals, 13 assists

Premier League record against Newcastle: 8 games, 3 goals, 2 assists

From a scorer of great goals against Newcastle… to a scorer of terrible ones.

Since their promotion two seasons ago, Bournemouth have emerged as Newcastle’s surprise bogey team; with zero wins from four matches for us versus the Cherries. In that time, Dominic Solanke has shed his previous ‘donkey’ moniker and has instead become a £65 million record-signing for Top Four-chasing Tottenham Hotspur. While I think that says more about the current state of the transfer market in modern-day football than it does about Solanke’s talent; it can’t be denied that the lanky striker has loved playing against Newcastle of late… to the tune of 3 goals and 1 assist in his last two matches against us.

Solanke’s Premier League record v the Toon is nowhere near the most prolific in this list; but it is more the manner of the three goals he has scored that have drawn my ire.

The first was where Solanke took a couple of typically heavy touches, dragging his position wide of the goal before inexplicably finding the inside of Dubravka’s unguarded near post. Should have been a routine save.

The second was a bit of pinball in the box from a corner that ultimately bounced off Solanke and in from less than a yard out. I watched it live and thought it was an own goal.

The third was an even bigger gift from Martin Dubravka than the first; the Slovakian slipping on the wet St James’ turf to give Solanke a tap-in to an empty net.

Am I petty? Quite possibly. Were all three goals absolutely rubbish? Of course. Will Martin Dubravka be on Dominic Solanke’s Christmas card list this year?

Absolutely.

4. Dominic Calvert-Lewin - (Everton)

Premier League record: 214 games, 54 goals, 14 assists

Premier league record against Newcastle: 13 games, 6 goals, 1 assist

From one unfashionable big English striker called Dom to another… (actually, I say that, but much of DCL’s criticism from fans is his addiction to fashion - anyway, I digress) Solanke and Calvert-Lewin both boast a frustratingly good recent record against the magpies.

With six goals, DCL has scored more against us than any other player in this list; and all the while playing in some terrible Everton sides; none more so than the XI that rocked up to St James’ Park last season on a rotten run of form; both on a personal and club level for Calvert-Lewin.

In fact, the big forward had gone an astonishing 23 games without scoring before he faced one of his favourite Prem opponents; and Paul Dummett was only too willing to give him the chance to score from the spot by rugby-tackling serial diver Ashley Young to the ground.

You had to crack a rueful smile; those dropped 2 points helped cost us European football last season. If only I’d put a bet on him scoring… it might’ve softened the blow a little.

Maybe Paul Dummett did put a bet on him scoring?

Tangerine nightmares

3. DJ Campbell - (QPR, Blackpool)

Premier League record: 53 games, 14 goals, 1 assist

Premier League record against Newcastle: 4 games, 2 goals

Blackpool record against Newcastle: 2 games, 2 goals

Next up, a guy who sounds more like a dive bar club entertainer than a footballer (and with a gold tooth to match), DJ Campbell was a big reason why Blackpool were such a fun underdog story. That was, until his two goals in two games against Newcastle took four points off us, and played a big part in Chris Hughton’s rather unfair sacking.

With a CV including the likes of Yeading, Stevenage Borough and Billericay Town, it’s fair to say a winning goal at St James’ Park counts as a pretty big scalp for the journeyman striker, who played non-league football until he was 24 years old.

Both Blackpool games were very sobering moments in a topsy-turvy season for us back in the Premier League. Luckily for Newcastle, Blackpool were relegated before they could extend their ‘bogey team’ status into something more serious…

Dreaded by Newcastle; Memed by every other team... the duality of the 'Uruguayan Andy Carroll'...

2. Darwin Nunez - (Liverpool)

Premier League record: 65 games, 20 goals, 11 assists

Premier League record against Newcastle: 3 games, 3 goals, 1 assist

Of course, Darwin Nunez is far from the most ‘bang average’ player in this list. But when you compare his price tag (£85 million) with his 'mediocre at best' strike rate, the number of big chances he misses, and the quality of his teammates around him providing the chances… it paints far from a pretty picture.

Except of course, when he plays Newcastle; when the stars align and Liverpool’s ultimate unorthodox agent of chaos gets everything right.

It genuinely hurts seeing the memes of Nunez missing every chance in sight after those two deadly late finishes past Nick Pope, (oddly similar in technique, precision and nightmare fuel) as our chance to finally end our curse against Jurgen Klopp turned from gold to ashes in our hands. One goal up? One man up? It didn’t matter. On came Nunez to have his usual game of the season against us.

Maybe now the insufferable German has left, Nunez can return to his natural defunct settings against us… like how he plays against almost every other team?

Top spot... reserved for only the most humiliating of Premier league moments for Newcastle United...

1. Kenny Miller - (Wolves, Derby County)

Premier League record: 55 games, 6 goals, 2 assists

Premier League record against Newcastle: 3 games, 2 goals, 1 assist

Derby record against Newcastle: 2 games, 2 goals, 1 assist

There was only ever going to be one player at the top of this list. A player etched in the laughing stocks of Premier League history, yet etched in my mind as the poster boy of Newcastle’s most embarrassing Premier League result ever.

If you’re too young to remember Kenny Miller’s Derby County side of 07-08, let me paint the picture…

1. Derby County's 07-08 campaign is the Premier League’s worst ever - with 11 points from 38 games.
2. Derby were the first Premier League side ever to be relegated in March; with two months of the season still to play.
3. Derby set the record for the fewest wins in a Premier League season ever… with just 1.

…guess who that win was against?

To be fair, it was a goal worthy of winning any game; as Miller dispatched a 30-yard howitzer past a helpless Steve Harper as Derby ran out 1-0 winners; the darkest day during a very dark time with Sam Allardyce at the helm.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, Miller repeated the trick again (and added an assist) as Derby County came within minutes of an unfathomable league double over the magpies, until Mark Viduka spared (not so much our blushes, but certainly Allardyce’s stay of execution for another week or so) with a 90th minute equaliser.

But the damage was done, the embarrassment was inescapable. Newcastle had handed Derby County 4 of their 11 points that season. That’s over a third of their entire season tally. 36% of it… to be more precise.

And to rub salt in the wounds, Miller managed as many goals against Newcastle in two games (two) as he did against the rest of the league in his other 28 league games that season. Was he another mackem in disguise?

Ah well, it’s been over 15 years. I’m nearly at the point where I can laugh about it.

Nearly.

(Dis)Honourable Mentions…

So, have I missed any glaring omissions out? I may have merely repressed them from memory to be honest. Although there must be a few from the late 90s/ early 2000s which were a little before my time. Here are a few others I considered,

Shane Long - 4 goals and 3 assists v Newcastle

Titus Bramble - A last-minute equaliser against us on his return to SJP with Wigan

Giles Barnes - Also of Derby County infamy - his solitary Premier league goal came against us in that embarrassing 2-2 draw at SJP

Adam Le Fondre - a cameo off the bench at SJP in his only Premier League season saw Le Fondre score twice to overturn a one-goal deficit and win the game for the lacklustre Royals. It was January, and their first away win of the season…

Alexis Sanchez - Scored just 3 goals for Manchester United in a terrible stint there. Of course, one was the winner against Newcastle in a game where the magpies had led 2-0 at half-time at Old Trafford…

And for more self-inflicted torture, I’ve ranked every signing from the terrible Mike Ashley years from worst to best. Find Part 1 here:

On the flip side…

You must be feeling pretty depressed by now, and I apologise - however, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

Keep an eye out for the reverse of this list, where I look back at ten average Newcastle goalscorers who loved playing a certain opposition - coming soon!